Fear the Beard — Spogo’s Red Sox Beard Power Rankings

When Jonny Gomes showed up to at Fort Myers for Red Sox spring training in March he had a few scraggly whiskers growing from his face.  Seven months and 100 wins later, you might mistake the Red Sox dugout for a lumberjack convention.

Gomes now laughs at what he innocently started – but the beards have come to symbolize a changed team with a new attitude. Let’s face it, six months ago when Buchholz’s beard looked like the facial hair of a 97 year old Italian woman in the North End, not a single fan, writer, blogger or barber in Boston believed in this team. But the guys in the dugout did. And those beards have given us quite a ride.

With the Sox beating the Rays last night to move on to the ALCS, the beards are making their final push for eternal playoff glory. Here are Spogo’s power rankings for Boston’s best beards:

MVB (Most Valuable Beard) –
Jonny Gomes

While it’s far from the sexiest beard on the team, Gomes is the one that started it all. The messy, brownish orange facial hair combined with his Kevin Garnett-esque crazy eyes and tatted up arms make for one intimidating dude. I’d be scared to walk past him on the street, let alone pitch to that animal.

The Golden Beard – Mike Carp

Some say ginger, I say golden. This guy knows how to do two things: hit pinch hit grand slams and grow a beard that rivals the mane of Mufasa.

The Silver Fox – David Ross

If Just for Men had a product that made my facial hair gray, I’d buy it. David’s perfectly grayed “soup-catcher” must attract beautiful, mature, sophisticated women from miles away. Silver Fox swag indeed.

The Dirt Dog – Dustin Pedroia

The heart and soul. The engine. The spark. It all starts with Pedey. His dirt dog attitude defines the character of this team – and so does his beard. A thick, burly and well groomed mug that even Ron Swanson would be jealous of.

The Triple Crown – Mike Napoli

The triple crown is awarded to the player with the longest, most manly, well-groomed beard. Napoli’s beard rivals the likes of Karl Marx, Jesus Christ, and the cast of Duck Dynasty. It also mimics his attitude as a player – a fearless, quiet leader.

Got Beard?

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I’ll get us going…

I have a long way to go…I hope.